Wednesday, January 25, 2006

What Can You Possibly Say About the State of Ohio?

Possible lines in the Taft State of the State Address Today...

I rise today having navigated the State though the last eight years. I feel like there is good news and bad associated with the State of the State of Ohio.

"For example, I have lowered my golf handicap by 10 points in eight years, but Ohio has fallen to 47th in job creation. "

"Homelessness increased every single one of the years of my administration, and we have shot to the lead in housing foreclosures due to predatory lending. While we did nothing to address these problems, we did not face a natural disaster that virtually eliminated one of our largest cities. Some in state government would have preferred that radical Cuyahoga County would have been hit by a disaster, but this did not happen on my watch. Our natural disaster and population loss was drawn out over eight years and did not hit in one day."

"Our education system fell to near the bottom when compared to other states, but at least we got the 'intelligent' design people in the door of our schools."

"We cut the number of people and children eligible for free health care, but that will certainly help the bankruptcy attorneys who have to file for people with large health care bills. The mark of our success is that Ohio leads the nation in bankruptcies filed. [Wait for the cheering]"

"We have done very little to assist those poor people struggling with high heating bills, which I believe reinforces that rugged individualism that built this great state. The lesson of my administration is: 'Don't turn to government for help! Solve your problems yourself!' "

"I have given major tax breaks to corporations so that those executives will have a better bottom line and can spend time volunteering with my OhioReads program and not sweating the numbers. I have dramatically cut all levels of taxes to the point that I could not keep mental health facilities open in this state."

"I have nearly cleared out the manufacturing sector from Ohio with the thinking that we can start with a clean slate. I saw the writing on the wall, and figured that if manufacturing was going to flee the United States, I would hasten their exit. Eventually, the workers of Ohio will not remember the good paying steel, coal, manufacturing industries and will gladly accept any low paying service job that becomes available. I could have never done this without the incredible state legislators gathered today, and so I thank you. We all salute the future burger flippers of Ohio."

"I set a record for the number of times the same proposal was dressed up in different outfits before it passed with my beloved Third (or Fourteenth?) Frontier. With a solid majority of friendly state legislators for my entire term it was a close vote, but in 2005 we got the Third Frontier passed. The bad news is that I also set a record as the only governor convicted of a crime while in office. "

"We stopped measuring the amount of pollution in our waterways to appeal to my libertarian friends, but I did find a way to keep people away from the water by charging for parking in our state parks."

"Keep up the good work. With your help we can make Ohio what it once was--a vast wasteland with very few humans. "

Posts by Northeast Ohio Coalition for the Homeless staff and Board.

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