Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Oscar Goodman Laws Revisited

We Hold These Truths to be Self Evident: Las Vegas Sucks

A new law has been passed in Las Vegas. This law makes it illegal to provide food or meals to the indigent for free or for a nominal fee in parks. What's an indignant, you ask? The law defines it as "a 'person whom a reasonable ordinary person would believe to be entitled to apply for or receive assistance' from the government under state law." The mayor, Mayor Oscar GOODMAN, offers a better definition: "Certain truths are self-evident. You know who's homeless."

Is he alluding to a famous Thomas Jefferson quote in order to bash homeless people? Never in my life have I more wanted the skeletal remains of the Author of the Declaration of Independence to claw his way out of his grave and exact revenge on those who have invoked his name. How Mayor Goodman will shudder when the gaunt hand still crawling with maggots pins him down and he realizes that it is the Father of the University of Virginia that shall feast on his brains tonight.

Since that lazy fog-breather Jefferson isn't returning to a semblance of unlife anytime soon, I offer this in exchange: Your law doesn't say that people receiving assistance from the government aren't allowed to eat in your parks, it says that people who look like people receiving assistance from the government aren't allowed to eat in your parks. Oh, Mayor Goodman, you don't really have anything against people who are homeless. You just hate when people look homeless.

Don't you get it, Osky? What you have is a self-image problem. You're projecting your own inadequacies onto the people you govern. When you say, "You're not allowed to accept food because you look homeless," what you really mean is, "I'm not allowed to eat because I look homeless." It's okay, Osky-pooh. You don't really need stricter local regulation laws on the city's impoverished. You just need to hear someone tell you that you are beautiful.

Mayor Oscar Goodman, you are beautiful. You are as unique as a snowflake and as much an integral part of Spaceship Earth as the smallest budding seed. No one else can be a better Oscar Goodman than you, Oscar Goodman. If I lived in Las Vegas, I'd buy you an ice cream cone and we'd both sit in your park and be beautiful together.

If any of you beautiful people out there (because you all are beautiful, each and every single one of you) are concerned about Oscar Goodman and the people of Las Vegas, please, just write the mayor and tell him he's beautiful. He also has a phone number (702-229-6241), and I know he would love to hear an honest voice telling him he doesn't need to be afraid to look in the mirror. His fax machine can also be used at the fax number 702-385-7960. If nothing else, please visit him, City Hall, Tenth Floor; 400 Stewart Avenue; Las Vegas, NV 89101. Business hours are Monday-Friday 8 AM to 5 PM.

Posts by NEOCH Board and Staff

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